Wyzzardd

Craig "Wyzzardd" Hasterburg was introduced in | “The Wyzzardding World of Craig Hasterburg.” He was created using ydacretsim's prompt, "A jester who thinks he's a wizard."

Personal History
Craig came from a comfortable, privileged life. He grew up in a Bohemian setting around storytellers and people taking action against injustice. They were people who would be heroes of their own stories. It was during this time that his bardic powers developed, but in his own mind, he was a wizard. He asked others not to downplay his bardic magic’s importance. Craig wanted to feel that what he was doing was as equally important as the genuinely heroic people around him.

Sometime in his youth, Craig developed his Wyzzardd persona as part of a social experiment. He began with noble and misguided intentions, hoping to make real art by telling socially conscious jokes. As soon as he became famous, however, he sold out and just wanted to get paid.

Both an insult and prop comic, Wyzzardd traveled around Fantasy performing for both peasants and nobles alike--even Big Jeremy could be counted among his most devoted fans. Most of his routines are centered around boxes of vegetables and comparing them to genitalia. He frequently employs the catch phrase, “That don’t grow on a tree,” while some vegetable hangs between his legs.

As his popularity waned, Wyzzardd still found work performing for royalty. Though the common people eventually came to find his comedy crude, the rich continued to delight in his representation of the poor. Wyzzardd maintained a deep pride in his work despite being washed up. It was around this time that he fully succumbed to his delusions that he was a real wizard. With the riches he acquired on tour, Wyzzardd wanted to start adventuring in order to better himself and others. Along the way, he founded a combination temple-and-library called Fantasy Reddit. It contains many rooms, each devoted to a different area of knowledge. There, Wyzzardd says all opinions are welcome, but he doesn’t vet the knowledge entering his temple. He thinks of it as a mixing of classes discussing ideas, calling Fantasy Reddit “a safe space for free thinking.” In reality, it’s merely a place for his friends to spew toxic ideology. When challenged about this, Wyzzardd deflects responsibility by claiming “it’s a matter of opinion and perspective.”

Wyzzardd lives in a van with a wizard airbrushed on it. He refers to the wizard as his family crest.

Looks and Personality
When he was still a man of the peasants, Wyzzardd took care of himself and was meticulous about his appearance. Now that he is washed up, he has let himself go.

For performances, Wyzzardd wears a green-and-brown costume featuring shoulder pads and an open chest. His short cape is decorated with fruits and vegetables. Wyzzardd has a mullet that he initially grew ironically, but now it's simply an exaggeration of the hairstyle he would want to have anyway.

Wyzzardd has openly declared that he doesn’t care if he offends people, saying, "I'm just speaking the truth. This is just who I am. I won’t censor myself for you. Comedy is comedy. I’m just tellin’ it like it is.”

Wyzzard claims a “Lawful Neutral” alignment, but no one knows for certain if this is true. For example, he often asserts that he listens to every side of an argument before making a decision, but he's actually trying to bait others into arguments with him. Wyzzardd especially enjoys employing a devil’s advocate style of debating. Similarly, Wyzzardd will often say that emotions must not cloud a person's logical thinking, but he intentionally upsets others in discussions so that he can shut them down for being "too emotional."

Wyzzard's other flaws include:
 * He is easily distracted by the promise of information.
 * Most people scream and run when they see a demon. Wyzzardd pauses to take notes on its anatomy.
 * He feels that unlocking an ancient mystery is worth the price of a civilization.
 * He overlooks obvious solutions in favor of really complicated ones.
 * He speaks without thinking through his words, invariably insulting others.
 * He can’t keep a secret to save his life or anyone else’s.

Powers and Abilities
Wyzzardd wields bardic magic and has at least a surface knowledge of nearly any topic.

Wyzzardd is highly perceptive. He can read people despite his own lack of charisma; he uses his insight to find weaknesses and get reactions from his audience.

Wyzzardd's preferred weapon is a microphone that amplifies his bardic spells. He uses the cord as a whip.

Other Notes

 * If you have read this article and think you’d enjoy going to a Wyzzardd show, you might be part of the problem.

Related Stories
Hank Grimtooth, Ansel Mindfreak